When I was in college I smoked a lot of weed. I felt like it made me GREAT. It flicked off the switch for the stairway to my soul, and I liked it. The minute I woke up I would get high. I went to work high. I couldn’t do anything until I was high. I would be upset, then I smoke a spliff (blunt) and would be at peace with the world.
But something happened and I couldn’t enjoy the high anymore. Though I still preferred the escape it provided, there was something trying to communicate with my conscience and initially I did not like it.
At first I thought I was just ‘trippin,’ or paranoid, but all of a sudden every time I was high my conscience felt like it was amplified. I was more aware of what I was doing and who I was with. I started reflecting on my life in and why I was even where I was. At this point I was still in darkness so I didn’t even know how to navigate myself to the switch I turned off in the first place.
Then one night when I was at a popular nightclub in Jamaica called Fiction something strange happened. I got all my friends together to attend this party. I used to LOVE to party and I knew a lot of people so I was always mixing friends and drinks at the same time. I was in for a good time every weekend.
Before I got to Fiction of course, I had to get high. On my way there though, something didn’t feel right. When I walked inside my entire mouth went dry. My sight was blurry, my hearing was elevated it and it was hot. I felt like I was in hell. The music became very distasteful and looking around watching people grind on each other suddenly disgusted me. I had to leave.
At this point my friends were enraged. I had dragged them out of their house, stepped in the club for 20 minutes and now I wanted to leave. Clearly I lost a screw and needed to go find it. I pulled my best friend at the time outside and explained to her what was going on and begged her to shove her hands in my mouth to feel how dry it was. She thought I was crazy. At this point, even I thought I was clearly insane, but I had to leave immediately!
According to Dr. Peter Kreeft “the very will of God [is] speaking, however obscurely and whisperingly, however poorly heard, admitted, and heeded, in the depths of our souls..”
That night, the God of the universe was doing just that, speaking to my soul. He was opening my eyes to the truth of my sinful state.
When God created the first human He said “this is good.” However, since the entrance of sin, God has not been able to look down on His creation and say those same words again. None of us were good because of sin. It was because of this that God the Father sent His son Jesus Christ to give His life for the redemption of man providing us with the Holy Spirit so that in Him we can do the good works He has prepared for us.
Doing good comes only from God. Without Him I was clearly doing a terrible job at being good in the eyes of my Creator. But God wasn’t allowing me to stay there. He began to speak up in the loud din of noise that was my sinful, wayward life. My conscience became a podium and microphone and there was a guest speaker the Holy Spirit.
I couldn’t believe it. Holy cow, the God of the universe was talking to me! Live and Direct. Me! Why!? Because He loves me. Even while I was still sinning, smack dead in the middle of it feeling like I’m in hell, Christ loved me enough to begin to intervene and speak!
Eventually, I listened. I no longer tried to drown Him out attempting to keep my soul blocked off from the light of His wisdom. The loving call of the Holy Spirit drew me in and when I began to listen the reality of of my need for him hit hard. It sank so deep I felt a light came on.
I surrendered my life to Christ and the Holy Spirit went from being a guest speaker to the keynote. The Holy Spirit was now the resident on the inside of me, and when that happened, it brought light to my soul, and now I live a life constantly open to the admonition and direction of this Heavenly mouthpiece.
– by Tameika Smith